I’m working on an application for an internship this summer. It’s a competitive field and an internationally known organization. I have to include a biography. Here’s my working copy.
Shelby Jade Hoshaw was never one to back down from a challenge. When she was a mere tike she dreamed of becoming a professional bull rider, which is strikingly comparable, in terms of intensity and determination needed, to her current career aspirations of working in international development. Hoshaw began pursuing higher education at Indiana University in the fall of 2010. In Bloomington she quickly found a home in the Indiana University Women’s Rowing team, for which she dedicated three years of her life as a coxswain. As a coxswain she honed her skills as a leader, manager, and motivator of her rowers. Unlike most other coxswains, she participated athletically whenever the opportunity arose, understanding the importance of cultivating respect through breaking sweat together.
Likewise, Indiana University opened up to her the world of international development. After spending a year and a half pursuing a degree in Sports Marketing and Management, Hoshaw was distraught and feeling unfulfilled. A drastic change occurred in her life. She began pursing a degree in Nonprofit Management from the School of Public and Environmental Affairs as well as becoming a member of the Swahili Flagship. Through this unique alliance she developed distinct skills through her time studying and working abroad in Zanzibar, Tanzania. Hoshaw may possibly be the first student to walk away from IU fluent in both Swahili and development work. She believes her experiences domestically or abroad and ability to embrace and understand new cultures give her a competitive edge for an industry that can’t afford to wait any longer.
What do you guys think? What does it convey? What could I change to make it stronger? It’s a tiny bit over the word limit so I can’t add to much more detail, but feedback is needed!